I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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