what day is it and did you see me today?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
