Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"