I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Dating After Heartbreak
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"