peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize