i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you didnt know i had herpes?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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