is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
