Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
