I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Michael Bay diarrhea
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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