I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
