grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
