mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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