I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
