paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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