He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
