either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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