4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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