i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
someone owes me an orgasm
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
