my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
