May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We were destined to go to rehab together
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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