What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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