someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
