Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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