Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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