I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
