I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
