apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
