Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
