I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
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i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
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We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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