i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
