Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
