My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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