Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
