im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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