the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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