My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
