i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
