I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
