i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
