dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
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If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
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can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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