did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i already hear my dad disowning me
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
