I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
love makes seman taste better
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
