so let's talk penis.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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