i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
my poor anus
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
