I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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