i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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