Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's rum buckets o'clock
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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