I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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