FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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