No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
