I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I smell stomach acid.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
