I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
