Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
