Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
