can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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