When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
