I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
