WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
