My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
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so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
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Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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